Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
You Might Also Like
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Stop being racist to kettles.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.