Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Plant care tips
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry