If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Time for evil
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff