Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
necessity is the mother of invention
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.