Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Thursday Thought.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today