Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine