So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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From Facebook just now…
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.