ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Who called it baking and not making love
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
#Caturday
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: