Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.