Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
How software testing works
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.