At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”