What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
You Might Also Like
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ