How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
sigh
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”