“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.