girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.