I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Monday
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.