Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
who called it hell and not heaven’t
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
それは草
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.