one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?