Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Hit me in the face with a bird
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together