Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression