Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
You Might Also Like
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain