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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I’m not stressed
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower