My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee