*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Awesome parenting 😂
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”