My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
an airline just for babies.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Very good news from my accountant