While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
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date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
jesus christ confetti not now
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Bobby pin
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
pictures of spider-man
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.