Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
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My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)