it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
You learn something every day
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
At least try to make it slightly believable
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?