Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick