The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Skills