Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while