FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Skills
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no