Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.