My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?