there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Have kids, they said
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me, reading some of your tweets
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story