He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
That’s what I call a flat tire
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.