Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Watermelon Boss!
🤣🤣🤣
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I weigh at least 17 squirrels