Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You Might Also Like
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
pictures of spider-man
for all #parents out there
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?