FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
This headline is a thing of beauty
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy