me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
These work great until they don’t.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors