employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?