It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?