[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!