I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.