Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else