Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.