‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”