me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.