If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Livid.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.