[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
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My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.